How Original

Congratulations, Jim Beam. In the relatively brief but illustrious history of American emergency medicine, you are the first patient in any hospital ever (a tribute to your cleverness, no doubt), to conceive to call 911 from the emergency room.

We, the staff of the Big City ED, who entered our professions in the hopes of preserving life and limb, in conjunction with 911 Emergency Services, who felt called to a similarly noble purpose, truly appreciate both your wit and charm.

I'd also like to give you mad props for correctly discerning that the reason I asked security to restrain you was not, as I publicly claimed, because you threw a large and heavy object at my face, but my secret and deep-seated racially-motivated bigotry.