I Can't Get No Satisfaction

Like many hospitals throughout the country, the Big City Hospital is feeling the pinch of the recession and doing everything it can to improve patient satisfaction in the hopes of retaining its customer base. Down in the ED, we've seen a variety of new initiatives designed to lower waiting times and facilitate rapid dispositions.

Armed with this renewed zeal of customer service, one of the RNs approached a patient who beckoned from the hallway. "Look man," the patient implored, "you guys gotta let me go. I've got a really important meeting to make."

At 0130.

The RN politely explained that while we do everything in our power to send patients home in a timely manner, the fact that the patient was currently dependent on Ativan to prevent his alcohol withdrawal seizures limited our ability to comply with his request.

Stressing the high quality of the crack he was scheduled to purchase, the patient again repeated his desire to be discharged.

Later in the morning, we received a call from the nurse taking care of him after he was admitted to the floor. In yet another effort to secure a rapid discharge, the patient was offering to reduce the amount of time spent waiting for the elevator by insisting that he would simply jump out the window to score his crack.

For our inability to assent to his treatment demands, I'll bet we receive low marks on his patient satisfaction survey.