Pt: "Yes. I was seen here three years ago, you should have all my records in the computer."
Me: "Okay, first I need to get your name."
Pt: "Well, everything should be in the computer."
Me: "I still need your name first."
Me: "Any allergies to medication?"
Pt: "Don't you guys have all that in the computer?"
Me: "Do you have a primary care doctor?"
Pt: "His name should be in the computer."
At this point I generally reach under the triage desk, pull out a can of gasoline, douse the computer monitor in front of me and light a match. Peering over the brunt plastic remains, I ask the patient to proceed as if the computer was never invented.