Pet Peeve

Me: "Hi sir, do you need to see a doctor?"

Pt: "Yes.  I was seen here three years ago, you should have all my records in the computer."

Me: "Okay, first I need to get your name."

Pt: "Well, everything should be in the computer."

Me: "I still need your name first."

...

Me: "Any allergies to medication?"

Pt: "Don't you guys have all that in the computer?"

...

Me: "Do you have a primary care doctor?"

Pt: "His name should be in the computer."

At this point I generally reach under the triage desk, pull out a can of gasoline, douse the computer monitor in front of me and light a match.  Peering over the brunt plastic remains, I ask the patient to proceed as if the computer was never invented.