It's The End of the World

Now that the novel-H1N1-pandemic-influenza-type-A-swine-flu-but-not-really-cuz-it's-not-from-pigs-but-apparently-your-cat-can-get-it virus is back from its summer vacation, the Big City ED is seeing its own share of low-grade hysteria.

Patients and visitors are strongly encouraged to wear masks while in the department to prevent transmission. The result? I've seen countless patients wearing masks upside-down, inside-out, covering their chins, covering their eyes, and in one memorable case covering a second mask.

There's also been a large spike in the number of patients presenting with flu-like symptoms, some real and others imagined. If you say you've been experiencing body aches, chills, and fatigue, and your temperature is 102.3˚ and your heart rate a bit tachy, odds are you have the flu.

If you storm the triage desk yelling that you had a 112˚ fever at home and need to be seen, odds are you're full of it. Or already dead.