Do Not Pass Go

If for no other reason than the emergency department is an acute care medical facility and not a local watering hole, hospital policy states that intoxicated patients are not allowed visitors.

This remains the case even if one of the patients is "like, totally your best friend in the entire world" and you "just know that she'd, like, really feel better" if you were at her side.

It also remains the case even if, in addition to being a patient's bff, you proudly volunteer in the hospital once a month.

Leaving the hospital, going home, and returning to the ED with your volunteer polo shirt will not, I'm sorry to say, grant you any special privileges.